Inklings

A Very Loved Person (A.V.L.P.) told me this. 'In order to learn to love someone else, One needs to love his family.' and hence I am starting to learn after so many years. For a dude, loving his father his old man is gay. Although I do appreciate the things that he has done. Some things are just better left untouched. Especially the phobias of sharing a similar room with him for 5 years (when i was 14-19). He's a workaholic and like a typical Chinese, he loves his money and he works hard for it. Too hard. He tries his best to support my studies overseas to the extent that he still works despite of his health. Am I going to say thank you cos of that? Yes maybe, I shall be the grateful son and work hard and repay him. I am also going to tell him. Don't be stupid. You are only going to waste more on medical bills. Very soon extra medical bills will exceed the extra hours that he's put in. I am going to ask him. Is it really worth it? (Diss me all you want) My dad has a image of a dad to uphold but he's really stupid in a way. But I try to communicate with him as nicely as possible.

One person in my family I would like to say I am proud of is my sister. I rarely say this but here I am writing in my blog (which i doubt she will read). With the recent passing of my grandmother and the detoriation of my parents health, my sister has changed from being a rebellious teenager to being a very parent-orientated child. Often MSNing me telling me that she's worried about mum or dad having scans the next day. She worries me. Or rather she makes me feel worried about my parents. So right now she has a full time job. And when my dad told me that I could feel that he's pleased that his daughter is finally earning a stable income rather than a casual work. Which leads me to my life question. Where am I? I am nowhere near that ability/status.

Just talking with my sister today lead me to some worries on my aunties / cousins. Well they are concerns. They are very typical Singaporeans. Throughout this decade, my grandma has kept her family together. (Note: her family, or rather this is what my sister thinks). I find my aunties very kiasu. But they are who they are. They do care about my well-being, however its the little issues that worries me. They would compare their kids educational levels and salary (yes, my generation is slowly moving into the working force). And if educational levels doesn't match with salary, there will be bickerings of jealousy. Such is a reason why my sister doesn't want to reveal the true amount of her salary. It's really absurd. Like people giving ang pao money, and then the kids having parents asking them how much the other party give to them so that they would return the similar amount to their kids. What happened to good giving? After being saved, I reaslied giving is out of relationship. I realised. When I love someone, I feel happy giving. 'God loves a cheerful giver' and be it in other stuff for example buying presents or treating the person I adore for lunch / dinner. This is just not happening here. Should I pray for them? Yes defintely.

I also believe that there has been a general shift within me. Since going to church and going to urban life and OCF, I feel alot calmer and I also cut down my 'shortlist' severely. I would like to believe that I have stopped clubbing. Because I have not been there since the end of last semester (as a DJ). Although my love for electronic dance music still remains. So much so that I find myself heading for an OCF convention camp in Adelaide at the end of the month to early December. I will be gone during those period of time. So try very hard to contact me.

Recently, I have also been on a emotional rollercoaster ride in regards to relationship however I will keep it very brief and not so personal (since I have learnt my lesson). The person whom i fancy currently is an absolute woman of God. God has blessed her with wonderful abundance of gifts and abilities and with that she uses it to encounter people and ushers them into the kingdom of the Lord. She faces her own hurdles too, I would often like to help her out, but she's brave and she will succeed in doing that herself by God's grace. Sometimes I do pray whether this amazing woman of God is the one. Because she basically stopped my entire vicious cycle. But if she's not the one lest cast her away. Even though i say that. I still feel alot for her. But if things will happen between us, it will. I will be there to see it happen whether it does happen ornot.

Incidentally, my accomdation probelms (or recently lack of) has taken a new twist. Due to some newly arisen problems, I would like to announce that I am looking for new accomdations. Or rather, I am open to new accommation suggestions. Simply because my place just isn't my place anymore. Sure enough a very friendly neighbor just moved in, but i just feel my sactuary being disturbed. I love my personal space (and A.V.L.P. will have hers too, i promise) and sometimes in my past relationship that personal space gets invaded. I couldn't do alot of things myself like catch up on my favorite tv series or just play nhl or DJ and listen to the hottest songs that are out. Ok I will not digress, in short. After financially reviewing what is left in my bank account. I feel that its advisable for me to relocate. Problem: I still have 6 months left on my bond. Which I don;t think I wil have much problems breaking it. Since my property is oh so hot. I was thinking of moving in with Hoxy and her suitor and another of her church friend. But she's a lil mulling over that matter. So I was told that she was a private person but it just turned out that we were talking about accommadation so whamp. See how. She finishes her exams soon so she's going to look for house full force. I just hope I am under considerations. Prays. I need a change of environment.